Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime