They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
You Might Also Like
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Happy Caturday!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.