Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
You got this…
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline