An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*