That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult