Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Anime is real
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house