*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
You Might Also Like
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?