half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
don’t be scared