Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”