The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
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Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*orders delivery*
(yawn)
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]