“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You Might Also Like
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.