OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
me as a parent
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.