My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You Might Also Like
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.