Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
never ask a starfish for directions
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.