This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
pizza
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.