[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.