Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I would move hell over six inches for you
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.