[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes