I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning