Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m dying louder than usual today.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I need this for my side hustle.