I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no