waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.