I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”