🤣😂
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
When ur friends with white people
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
hmm conte-me mais
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]