Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!