According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Lmfao
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Body by cheese-puffs.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!