Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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i don鈥檛 have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
HER: i鈥檓 leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don鈥檛 say that, you鈥檙e drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I鈥檓 excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that鈥檚 still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Someone told me once you can鈥檛 keep complaining about something if you鈥檙e not gonna do anything about it. But I鈥檝e found that you can, pretty easily.
馃馃槀馃槀
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I think she is an organ harvester 馃馃 #tinder #tinderindia
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*鈥ou look very pretty
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.