Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist