For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Yoga Matt
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U