Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Why I divorced her.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
the Monday after daylight savings
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Boating season is upon us.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.