JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
need him
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.