Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Thursday
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
President The Rock Obama
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.