Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Rambo Rambow
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
seems fine
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.