When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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can’t catch a break
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?