Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When someone trying to leave me
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours