You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.