I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.