Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.