People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.