I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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*mops up wine with cat*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Hot hot hot 🥵
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Meow