Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.