In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.