Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
So creative 😂
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Thursday