my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
White parent Vs Arab parents
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
All is fair in drunk and war.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Easy enough.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.