Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand