Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
getting groceries
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony