The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”