I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.