*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Many hands make light work
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
(Jupiter –
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.