The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.